It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Holy moly
happy friday
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂