Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”