This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
next level snooze
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Feels
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.