Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.