it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
You Might Also Like
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
scrabbled eggs
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly