Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.