100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
🙄😏😂🤣
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
blocked.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬