Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.