I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My life coach traded me.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.