A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.