[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The three genders
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot: