Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Stop it! 😂
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.