This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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me refusing to leave twitter
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.