ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.