Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You Might Also Like
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”