Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
This a good idea
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.