Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
lost dog
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?