[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
scrabbled eggs