Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

this FaceApp is creepy af

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*