Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
You Might Also Like
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie