If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.