Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion