If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.