My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
OH. COME. ON.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Did…did a minotaur write this