A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
You Might Also Like
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I want what they have
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.