My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god