I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
You Might Also Like
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
That 👊
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
They’re on their honeymoon