Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels