Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
What
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??