ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.