I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff