You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
You Might Also Like
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
it must be school picture day
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.