Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here