I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
This forever.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.