911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
can’t believe I got front row seats
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married