“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Friday
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.