Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
this is the best day of my life
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.