Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.