Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I have never related to anyone more.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text