When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching