It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Still cracks me up
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.