With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.