Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now