A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Hard not to take this personally
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I have a type: disappointing
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask