When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[montage of me giving-up]
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”