Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
This meeting could have been a cake
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?