Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”