Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
how many bears make up a bear minimum
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af