Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip