Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
You Might Also Like
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
no one likes gloating